Honesty

Writing is therapy. I'm not wanting to be this honest and I'm not asking for sympathy, but I'm hoping writing will give me some comfort. I'm totally discontent and have been for several months. I hate not being content. I have a wonderful life, full of treasures, but I don't have the one thing I've wanted for as long as I can remember. Most days my heart is hurting so much that I miss out on the joy and beauty around me. I don't like it. I have no idea how to get out of this horrible funk.
If you know me at all, you know what the "one thing" is. Yep, a baby. I've been so ready for so long to be a mother, but it is not yet my time. That crushes me. I felt like I finally came to a real peace about waiting and then out of nowhere signs were pointing to the the wonderful thought that a baby was inside me. It was my dream coming true. It was wonderful until the doctor said the word negative. So now it is all I think about, dream about and want to talk about. The feeling of longing is nothing I can describe.
The feeling won't go away and I don't want it to, but I have to find a way to be happy while waiting patiently. I have to find a way to not be mad or bitter. I see the bitterness in myself and it is oh so ugly. I keep praying for a baby, but also pray for peace while I wait for the baby. It feels contradicting. I start off my day with prayer for gratitude and happiness and out of nowhere I get a call that so and so is pregnant or I see precious children with their mothers and I fall back into the sadness and bitterness.
I MUST work towards happiness and joy. I want that and need it in order to survive. I know that our day will come. It will, I don't doubt it. I know that it will also be so much more than I can even imagine at this point. It will be worth the wait. I fully expect to continue to have really hard days, but I'm hoping to have more good than bad. I've missed too much already and I don't want to miss anything else. Today is a new day.