Loved Well

I have been journaling almost everyday for two weeks now. Mostly what I have written is my experiences, thoughts and feelings about the miscarriage. For two months, I replayed things in my head over and over and over. I have replayed our night at the hospital, I have felt the physical pain, remembered each moment of heartache, had constant thoughts of fear and anger and sadness. As I have written all these things, I notice a change in my recurrent thoughts and in my writings. I am starting to replay gestures of kindness, moments of joy and laughter and conversations with others. My hurt is beginning to reveal goodness and love. I have been loved well.

Today this is the memory that is filling my head and bringing happy tears to my eyes. I had two very special visitors that Wednesday, it was my first full day to be alone. Two people who have been a constant in my life. Two people who are much older and wiser than myself. Two people who were so very worried for me. When they walked in the door, they had gifts. First, I hugged him. He held me tight and close. I said, "you smell so good, like coffee." He replied, "That's because I spilled it all down my shirt on the way here." And we all three laughed. Then he walked away and let the two of us have our time. She wrapped me in her arms and she began to silently weep. In all my years, I never knew her to cry. She cried because decades before she had experienced my pain. Looking in my eyes, she knew exactly what I was feeling. In a precious and painful moment, we were the same.

They were only there for a few hours, but for a few hours I was not alone. I was understood. Shortly after they left, I went back into my hole. I was not able to focus on the acceptance and understanding I had just experienced. It has taken some time, but I am so thankful that today I am soaking up that precious time with two precious people who I adore. I'm thankful that I am now able to see goodness again. I have been loved so well.

My grandparents came to our house Sunday night on their way to Athens, Greece. Must be nice, huh? Anyways, Granddad walked in and presented me with these flowers he had picked for me. It was a bouquet of beautiful roses and a few zinnias in the middle. He said that he had just picked the roses, but Manuel thought he needed to add some color. So Manuel went and picked the zinnias. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I had been a fly on the wall as this was happening. Even more, I can't tell you how much such a simple deed has brightened my spirit.

Thanks Granddad and Manuel.

I bought this cute little bottle rack last weekend in Tyler with the thought of how festive it would look with Christmas candy in the jars. It didn't occur to me how cute Halloween candy would look. Something so simple, but I smile every time I look at it.

I have been feeling super crafty this week, so I made these letters. I changed out the ribbon and now they are hanging behind my dining room table. You have to come to my house to see the complete project. So come on over!

Happy Saturday!

Rachel Is Back

Warning: Brutally Honest Post Ahead

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I am back. Finally. Thank the Lord. For the past two months, I have been depressed, bitter, tired and scared.
Since our miscarriage, I have not been able to get my feet under me. I was so devastated by the loss of our baby, but seemed to get hit again and again with something worse than the day before.
I have started seeing a therapist and began an antidepressant and finally feel better. It has been an incredible experience to be able to say exactly what is on my mind without any repercussions. She listens, she gives good advice, she lets me say exactly what is on my mind, she lets me cuss and yell when I need to, I don't have to worry about hurting her feelings, she doesn't tell me "it's time to move on", she let's me question God without judging me. With her guidance, I am working through all this heartache.
With her suggestion, I have taken two weeks off from work. She was very specific on what I should spend my two weeks on. My mission was to address my anger and hurt and deal with it. I was to take care of myself, who cares about anything else. I have spent a lot of time outside and writing. I have journaled my experience from the beginning. Things that I didn't remember, have poured out of my pen. I have watched movies and drank a lot of coffee, I have slept and slept and shopped and baked and gotten crafty. It has been hard and wonderful all at the same time.
I knew that I was in big trouble and I knew that I needed to deal with these emotions, but I just didn't know how. I somehow think that the world will stop spinning if I don't go to work. I thought that work was more important than taking care of myself. My mom was smart enough to suggest that I take time off work, but I just worried what my co-workers would think. There was something about a professional, a complete stranger listening to my story and say, "Rachel, you are important. You must take care of yourself. You are depressed. Your husband needs you. You have been through a horrible experience. You are not okay right now. Please take care of yourself."
Hearing her say those things, gave me the confidence to take the time off. Thankfully my boss was extremely understanding and helpful. The first few days were harder because for the first time, I was left alone and quiet. I made the decision to focus on my thoughts and emotions, even though it was painful.
As I see the end of my break getting closer and closer (I'm really trying not to think about it yet) I feel so much better. I feel hopeful, I don't feel bitter, I feel like I have things to be thankful for and things to look forward to. I know that I will still have hard days, but at least I don't feel controlled by my heartache.

He is Ready

Maverick is ready for Halloween! As Riley says, "Mavi has pumpkins on his belt." And we had to try on his Halloween costume to make sure it still fit and try to convince him to have a better attitude about being a hot dog this year. He still hates it, but he sure is cute!

Now all we need is trick or treaters!

Granbury Getaway

Just wanted to post a few pictures from last weekend in Granbury. We saw two movies, dranks tons of coffee, ate wonderful food and enjoyed some much needed rest. I always love hiding away somewhere with James. It was a much needed retreat.

Go Rangers!!

Have You Ever...

...seen something look so chocolaty and delicious?

...seen two cuter boys in the world?

...been so excited for the change of seasons, you can hardly contain yourself?

...seen a squirrel with such great balance?

Baby DoDo

Now that we are six weeks out from the night we discovered we had miscarried, I wanted to blog just a couple of things about our Baby DoDo. The beautiful name of our baby came from Riley. When we asked him what the name of the baby in Aunt Rachel's tummy was, he responded "baby dodo." He also said that baby dodo was a "girl baby". I can't wait to get to Heaven and see if he was right. : )

I have anticipated the day that I would put our first sonogram picture on our blog for a long time. Of course I didn't imagine it would be in this manner, but still. This was from our doctor appointment Monday morning after we already knew we had lost the baby. I will always cherish this picture.
These next two pictures are of the incredible box that Mom made for me to put the sonogram picture in. Inside, she put the song book page for "Jesus Loves the Little Children." I am so thankful to always have something concrete to remind me of our first precious one. She also put the little baby bracelet in too. I love it.

This is the outside.

This picture was taken the day before we went to the ER. I sure did love that baby belly!

I love you sweet one!

Rich and Full

On July 11th we found out we were pregnant!!

On August 21st we discovered we had lost our precious baby.

Since, we have felt love and support that has overwhelmed our souls. We had 10 people praying for us in the E.R. We had my family drive in at midnight to be with us with not so much as a toothbrush packed. We have been fed, we have had flowers and cards and visits. We have had PRAYER, lots and lots of prayer. Tears have been shed for our baby by so many.

My precious husband has loved me in a way I never know possible. Our hearts were broken together. We are finding our new normal together.

I am heartbroken.
I am so RICH with love and so FULL of gratitude.

2 More from Destin

Destin

We have been home from Florida for more than a week now, but I'm just now getting a chance to show you some pictures from our wonderful time. Like always, I wish I had taken more pictures, but oh well. I don't have the brain power to put them in order, but here you go!

This is all of us right before James and I headed to the airport after a wonderful, fun, magical, perfect week!

Riley with his first Krispy Kreme

On our last night I realized James and I hadn't taken any pictures, so I wanted one before we headed back to the house. Then I saw how sweaty he was...nevermind!

Ladies enjoying our last night all together in the sand.

James first experience of "home run derby"

Dad still has some moves!

Riley is ready to play too! I love this picture of him.

Our one non-sweaty picture together. Our house was perfect!

Sarah and Mommy!

Big Boy

My favorite boy in the whole wide world!

Heavenly

James and I took Riley to see the fish at Bass Pro.

And he drove some boats while we were there

Snack time

Mom enjoying the view

Thanks Mom and Dad for a fantastic trip. We had a blast and can't wait til the next family vacay!

maviman

A few pictures of our sweet boy...

We decided to take him to a dog park to play with other dogs and this is what he did most of the time. Oh well, he seemed content watching the other dogs play.

A cute one of my two favorite boys.

A happy family of three

You Might Be A Redneck If...

The only toy around for the two year old is a plastic spoon

You cook your meat on a grill made of old fence posts

You chop wood with a meat clever, while the man in a flag shirt watches nearby

Your grandfather looks like this

And your grandmother cuts vegetables on the back porch

You make the two year old go fetch an onion from the garden

Your dinner has been stored in a kitty litter bucket

Your dinner is cooked in a front end loader

Seriously

You have a dog lying around

You scare your fiance with a frog found in the flower bed

This is my family and I couldn't dream of anything better.