Loved Well

I have been journaling almost everyday for two weeks now. Mostly what I have written is my experiences, thoughts and feelings about the miscarriage. For two months, I replayed things in my head over and over and over. I have replayed our night at the hospital, I have felt the physical pain, remembered each moment of heartache, had constant thoughts of fear and anger and sadness. As I have written all these things, I notice a change in my recurrent thoughts and in my writings. I am starting to replay gestures of kindness, moments of joy and laughter and conversations with others. My hurt is beginning to reveal goodness and love. I have been loved well.

Today this is the memory that is filling my head and bringing happy tears to my eyes. I had two very special visitors that Wednesday, it was my first full day to be alone. Two people who have been a constant in my life. Two people who are much older and wiser than myself. Two people who were so very worried for me. When they walked in the door, they had gifts. First, I hugged him. He held me tight and close. I said, "you smell so good, like coffee." He replied, "That's because I spilled it all down my shirt on the way here." And we all three laughed. Then he walked away and let the two of us have our time. She wrapped me in her arms and she began to silently weep. In all my years, I never knew her to cry. She cried because decades before she had experienced my pain. Looking in my eyes, she knew exactly what I was feeling. In a precious and painful moment, we were the same.

They were only there for a few hours, but for a few hours I was not alone. I was understood. Shortly after they left, I went back into my hole. I was not able to focus on the acceptance and understanding I had just experienced. It has taken some time, but I am so thankful that today I am soaking up that precious time with two precious people who I adore. I'm thankful that I am now able to see goodness again. I have been loved so well.