Rachel Is Back

Warning: Brutally Honest Post Ahead

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I am back. Finally. Thank the Lord. For the past two months, I have been depressed, bitter, tired and scared.
Since our miscarriage, I have not been able to get my feet under me. I was so devastated by the loss of our baby, but seemed to get hit again and again with something worse than the day before.
I have started seeing a therapist and began an antidepressant and finally feel better. It has been an incredible experience to be able to say exactly what is on my mind without any repercussions. She listens, she gives good advice, she lets me say exactly what is on my mind, she lets me cuss and yell when I need to, I don't have to worry about hurting her feelings, she doesn't tell me "it's time to move on", she let's me question God without judging me. With her guidance, I am working through all this heartache.
With her suggestion, I have taken two weeks off from work. She was very specific on what I should spend my two weeks on. My mission was to address my anger and hurt and deal with it. I was to take care of myself, who cares about anything else. I have spent a lot of time outside and writing. I have journaled my experience from the beginning. Things that I didn't remember, have poured out of my pen. I have watched movies and drank a lot of coffee, I have slept and slept and shopped and baked and gotten crafty. It has been hard and wonderful all at the same time.
I knew that I was in big trouble and I knew that I needed to deal with these emotions, but I just didn't know how. I somehow think that the world will stop spinning if I don't go to work. I thought that work was more important than taking care of myself. My mom was smart enough to suggest that I take time off work, but I just worried what my co-workers would think. There was something about a professional, a complete stranger listening to my story and say, "Rachel, you are important. You must take care of yourself. You are depressed. Your husband needs you. You have been through a horrible experience. You are not okay right now. Please take care of yourself."
Hearing her say those things, gave me the confidence to take the time off. Thankfully my boss was extremely understanding and helpful. The first few days were harder because for the first time, I was left alone and quiet. I made the decision to focus on my thoughts and emotions, even though it was painful.
As I see the end of my break getting closer and closer (I'm really trying not to think about it yet) I feel so much better. I feel hopeful, I don't feel bitter, I feel like I have things to be thankful for and things to look forward to. I know that I will still have hard days, but at least I don't feel controlled by my heartache.