I Need a Hole

This is a blog topic that I have been putting off, but I know it is a critical part of my story. I have no idea who all reads this blog, but I am hoping that somewhere, someone will happen upon my words and take something from them.

On Sunday, James and I went to a meeting at church to find out more about "young married, small groups". We have had this date on our calendar for a while now for several reasons. We really, really want to connect with some other couples and we also know that we need some accountability and advice from other people in this stage of our lives and marriage. To say the least, we were stoked about the meeting and the prospect of a small group.

We walked into the meeting room on Sunday afternoon and James immediately spotted a guy he recognized. He walked straight to him and the guy said, "James, good to see you. You are the last person I expected to see here!" So I, who had a smile plastered on my face, waited for them to greet each other and then be introduced. James says, "This is Rachel. We are remarried." I'm still not sure of the connection here, until James says this is "Bob", he was an intern at Cooper.
I immediately wanted to hurl. I'm thinking, "Don't cry. Keep smiling. Don't puke. Don't run away." I have no doubt that this guy knew James while we were separated and divorced. I am overcome with shame and embarrassment. What must this man be thinking of me. "You fool. Why are you remarried? What an idiot."
I have no idea what was said after that. I'm sure I shook he and his wife's hands, he told James congratulations and James told him we were doing well. I have no idea really. I just needed to find a hole and find it quick. I wanted to crawl in and never come out.

I have anticipated moments like this, but I never imagined it would be so horrible. I know that I should stand on the mountaintop and proclaim the miracle that has occurred in our hearts and caused our marriage to be resurrected, but sometimes its not that easy. I still deal with a great deal of embarrassment related to the past year of my life. I can't explain where it comes from, but perhaps it is because I know how judgemental I have been of others. I have been the one to say, "you fool, what are you thinking?" about other people. I guess I expect the same from others.

Yes, there have been some people that have said similar statements to me without hearing and seeing the changes in both of us, but the beauty of it all is that most people don't. Most people are thrilled. Most of all, they are thankful. Thankful that the hurt is over.

I look forward to the day when I don't feel the need for a hole.