Thankful Day 30

Today I am feeling more thankful than most days, but I am also feeling a tad bit sad and very emotional. It was one year ago today that my world was totally rocked to the core. What a year it has been, such an unbelievable roller coaster! I could not be more thankful that this year has come to an end. Tomorrow is a new year and I am so ready to get it started. Although I feel very content with life and am extremely happy to be with James, I can't pretend that the past didn't happen. This day one year ago will always be such a huge milestone in my life. Horrible, unbelievable pain began on this day. I have forgiven James and I have forgiven myself for past hurts and mistakes, but that doesn't mean I am done with the grieving process.

I had known that this day was approaching, but didn't realize it would affect me so deeply. I have not slept well this week and have not been feeling like myself. I've had little energy and just wanted to be alone. Last night, it all hit the fan.

James and I were to go to our marriage class at 6:30 and I had to work until 6. I knew I would be home just long enough to walk in the door, grab my book and get in the car with James. Earlier in the day, I discovered that something I put on the couch, left an ugly, black stain on our tan cushion. When I got home, I grabbed my book and pointed out the stain to James assuming he had already noticed it. He had not and he slightly overreacted to it. I responded to his slight irritation and anger by blowing up. And when I say blowing up, I mean the big, loud, ugly, out of control yelling that only a handful of you have ever seen come from me. Too bad I was yelling and we had to be at our class in five minutes. We slammed the door and got in the car, fighting the whole way there. Him totally confused as to why I was THIS mad over his reaction to the stain and me just arguing with any and everything that came from his mouth. We got to the parking lot and walked to the door, mad the whole way. A few steps away, James said "no, we are not doing this. we are going back to the car until we get this figured out." Anyways, long story made a tad shorter, our night consisted of two trips to the door and back to the car, before the truth spilled out in the form of uncontrolled sobs. As we stood in the middle of the parking lot, I verbalized to James and to myself for the first time, my feelings of sadness and grief over what began one year ago. Of course it had not even dawned on him. He immediately became the husband I needed at that moment and held me in his arms, allowing me to sob and explain what I was feeling. After a few more sobs, we finally made our third trip to the door and were able to actually go in and share it all with our group (it consists of us, 3 other young couples and a mentor couple).

It was not fun to enter that room and explain why I had tear stains running down my face, but then I remembered that James and I have been given an unimaginable gift in the form of reconciliation and we can not keep it to ourselves. More importantly, we want our peers to know that marriage is hard, sometimes it sucks, but we won't give up again. It is humbling and encouraging to gather with others and share our pain and failures.

I began this post earlier, but had to stop when James got home from work. He had the great idea to change the mood of this day by going out to celebrate where we are now in comparison to last year. We had a good time and I'm so thankful to be constantly reminded how blessed we are and how much grace we have been given.